Yes, I know most of you are never frustrated with your husbands. Of course not! But just imagine for a moment that you were. How would you handle it?
I'm thinking mostly about husband angst as it relates to having children. And not everyone finds marriage difficult just because children entered the picture. But I did. And I wonder if we would have had the same struggles if we hadn't had children and instead had sleep. It would be nice to think that the struggles we've been through have brought us to a better place that we couldn't have achieved without them.
Just looking around at the people I know, there are so many different types of chemistry in a marriage. What works for one, may not work for another. When relating to friends, sometimes the problem they are telling me about with their husband is what I do to mine. Oops! Helpful perspective, there. We value things differently sometimes based on our gender, sometimes based more on personality. Some things are easy for one person to tolerate, but another person feels hurt by the same thing. Navigating can be tricky, sort of like walking on a balance beam with a blindfold and sharpened spikes on the floor. The advice being shouted, sometimes by older sisters, can be confusing or useless and certainly doesn't help you focus on the goal. Sometimes a person is aware they need tools and would love to hop on down to the marriage department and pick up a few useful things. Then when you get there, you don't know which tools you need or how to use them.
Some people seem to have no trouble at all having a loving, respectful marriage where both people love to give to each other, and get their needs met all at the same time. They seem not to feel the effects of sleepless nights, children, extended family issues, money worries and job demands. And that should be encouraging, but it isn't, much.
And on a spiritual vein, you understand that God, in His wisdom made a man and a woman for each other. Why it is so hard, then, to figure it all out? Why is something so natural so
unnatural to navigate?
Well, I'm here to tell you that I haven't gotten it all figured out. So I'm hoping this post will stir up a bunch of ideas. Especially since every marriage is so different, hearing what different people do/did is bound to turn up a good idea or two.
I'll start with my "few grains" just to get the ball rolling!
Attitude.
Strength of purpose.
Attitude is pretty easy to explain, understand and a little more difficult to carry out. I get SO MUCH out of my Dear One when my requests or "complaining time" is done with the right attitude. My attitude is my physical manifestation of my thoughts. So if I'm thinking "Dweeb! It's obvious that I can't change two dirty diapers at once! Offer to help, slacker!" and at the same time say "Darling, could you help me by changing so-and-so's diaper?" then my husband will flip out. By the same token, I could instead think "Wow, kids sure keep me hopping!" and posit the same request to my husband. He will respond even cheerfully when my thoughts are not angry. It's like he can see my thoughts, even the tiny ones that harbor resentment.
I bought this idea, and tried to use it, but it took me a long time to train my mind and feelings to think more positively. But when I did, my husband responded to me just like I had wished back when I was a fish-wife. By me practicing this act, I found I was less frustrated with my husband, and he was much happier with me!
Strength of purpose. I mean several things by this, so I'll explain. Sometimes it's hard to separate ourselves from how we feel, especially when we feel exhausted, on the verge of tears or like a mean, ugly bear. Or when we feel justifiably angry. Strength of purpose is what I'm calling that ability to take a deep breath and do THE RIGHT THING when we feel like we have no reserves left to draw from. In the face of an act or deed or careless oversight by our partner that upsets us, we continue to be what we should. If we need to address a problem, addressing it with a right attitude. If we need a break, making that clear in a way that doesn't blame our husband. Strength of purpose is, to me, the "against all odds" kind of attitude that is required for the better things in life.
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| Papa with his first, Lucas |
Strength of purpose came to light for me when I stopped making my husband responsible for my happiness. Sometimes, he'd come home and tell me about his day, leaned back against the counter with a huge, cold coke in his hand while I got supper ready. I'd fume inside, seethe, really. Then a couple crying/fighting children would come around and he'd ask, "What's wrong with them?". The water comes to a boil, I rush to the cabinet to get the next ingredient and the baby holding my skirt falls and bangs their head. Papa just stands there while they cry, I get the ingredient I need, put it in the water and snatch up the crying child. Papa sips his coke. I'm about ready to smack him, or walk out and drive to a hotel, thoughts of an uninterrupted bubble bath flit through my head. I'd think "Does he expect me never to snap, no matter how hard it is?" I'd get mad that I was so "reliable". Familiar thoughts of throwing things, desperate deeds and solitude flash past on my mental image reel. Of course, hubby doesn't know any of this. Doesn't realize how I'm feeling or the chaos that is up around my ankles. (hush, Calysta!) He comes home from a job (or school) providing for his family only to get an angry, blaming wife. Of course he'd come rushing home to me!
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| Papa with his girl, Julia |
I accepted that it wasn't fair of me to put my feelings on him. If he needed to know, I could tell him nicely. But most importantly, I decided that I was going to stop waiting for help and "do it myself". I began to prepare supper early, so I didn't have to cook at suppertime. I began to give myself one household chore per day to be done during naps, and after I was done, the rest of the down time was mine to relax in. I began to go to bed earlier, even though I loved my "alone time" when the kids went to bed. I dealt with a lot of resentment inside myself. I resented doing it myself. But today, I'm so much happier because of it, and my marriage is healthier because of it, too. My expectations changed, and it gives me hope for the years to come.
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| Papa with his last, Aidan |
These days, my frustration is at myself. I have a lot of things I need to do better, or begin doing in the first place. But now that is on me instead of on my husband and it helps to take away that frustration I used to feel towards him. I can see areas to improve in my life, but I don't (often) make my marriage suffer for it. Sometimes I slip back into the old ways but it usually doesn't happen for long. I've seen the light, experienced a better way. Who would go back to sawdust after steak?
