I've been thinking about marriage and thought I'd just lay out a few things I have come to value and my perspective based on my life experience of one. Me. =)
I used to have a view of marriage different from my current one, namely before I was married. Then I began to develop a working view of marriage in the first few years. Four years into marriage, circumstances dictated that I completely overhaul every last thought about marriage. And overall, our marriage has had a few significant tests. Today, I think we have an almost perfect marriage, but I have learned that what seems like the pinnacle can become just a little stop along the way to greater heights. So I look forward to much more growth and discovery in my marriage for as much time as we get!
When I got married, I didn't understand how it felt to be in a boy/girl relationship without passionate love. How can you? Once the love dies, you break up. So in a marriage, you get to figure out how to make it work once that first love experiences things like irritation, surprise, annoyance and even anger. And for me, the first assumption was that is was his fault. And any baggage you might have comes flooding to the fore: "I won't be like someone else!" or "I won't let you treat me like someone I didn't like!" or "I deserve x, y and z from you!" or "Since you disagree with my way, you are squashing my rights!". Things of this nature.
Side note: It is interesting to think how I would have explained all this while I was in that time frame. Obviously, I now disagree with my own self, so I'm presenting my views in the light of being wrong (which I believe they were!)
For a long time, things were at an impasse, because (lucky me!) I married a guy who is tough, stubborn and values his own opinion highly(like I do). The reason this is so great, is that he never reinforced my crappy behavior by giving me what I thought I wanted at the time. So he didn't enable or allow me to jog down life's road forming heart-breaking habits. And yet, I still hadn't grasped the ideas that were to change my life and so it was tough going for a while. In this phase, Shane started grad school.
Test one showed up in the birth of our first son. Start to finish, it was a severe, and I mean SEVERE lesson in the dangers of "expectations". And I fought it tooth and nail, claiming that we should always keep those expectations high to help each other be better people. But my husband could not come to terms with how donning a swim suit and joining me in the birthing tub was in any way helpful to his character. (I can't believe I actually harbored a serious expectation about that!) Right and left, every expectation I formed was dashed, destroyed and royally smashed. And again, no conception on my part of how badly I was setting both myself and my husband up for failure. He had an inkling, but couldn't put it into words and also at times wondered by the strength (and endurance) of my arguments if I was right. Angrily, we discussed having another child, as my teenage sister came to live with us for six months. Birth control seemed a pain, so we got pregnant again! (I'm kidding, a little) 17 months after our son, our first daughter arrived along with several other major changes. Shane changed his professor in grad school and the change turned out to be a huge stressor. One sister had moved out and another one came for three months. I had two babies and a LOT of extra weight, and Shane decided he no longer wanted religion in his life. This was quite an experience for me, full of many different feelings, thoughts, questions, etc. But it was the pivotal moment.
One of the most significant things about having different views about God inside a marriage is how to make a marriage work in spite of that. Especially if you've assumed you'd always have that in common. I began to wonder about my influence and what I was like to live with. Was I responsible? Even if I wasn't, had I been the partner I was supposed to be? I felt (for the first time in my life) that there might be things worth keeping from my spouse. Say a bad mood. Maybe irritation that is really about something else. Maybe the nagging could be put aside. Maybe I could do a lot less leaning with the negative attitude. Maybe I could even listen when he complained(quietly and seldom) about something I did or said. Honestly, I don't know how I got so lucky to even think of these things. I'm sure God was hoping the time was ripe, because I'd never allowed such selfless thoughts before. I'd resented being selfless. He should be selfless for me! I was too busy, too tired and too overwhelmed to think of Shane. His life looked pretty rosy to me back then: off to school, privacy, quiet, time to think a whole thought without interruption, dinner when he got home, and no need to get out of bed in the night, because Mom breastfeeds. Bottom line was I discovered a different perspective. To think and work toward the goal of being someone worthwhile, instead of getting what I wanted from someone else. Interestingly, when the focus shifts to doing our own part, we end up getting even more than we wanted.
We've had a few tests since that first epiphany, and I have to keep things fresh in my mind. I continually re-read my favorite book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. One pearl of note that I have to keep fresh is that I can change my feelings by changing my mind and thoughts. It's something I never used to think was possible, but it happens all the time! We look back and remember how strongly we felt about something only to notice that we no longer feel passionate about it. It's because we stopped thinking about it, and we stopped giving it such a huge place in our minds. Sometimes we moved on, sometimes we were forced to. Well, practice makes perfect and I have lots of opportunity to practice thinking different thoughts until my feelings eventually follow suit. And they do! That is powerful.
It's not about doormats. It's not about losing your identity to someone else dictating your life. It's more about taking charge of your own happiness. Being a positive, happy person. Treating others the way you want to be treated. And even more, treating others the way THEY want to be treated. Not letting everyone know every time you feel like a grouchy complainer or a martyr or a maid. Choosing how to think of it makes all the difference. If I had all my dreams come true, what would they be? To be a wife and mom and homeschool. Oh, wait! That IS what I'm doing! Then what's with the negativity!?
These days, my marriage blows me away. We have to force ourselves to shut up and go to bed. We miss each other while Shane's away at work. I listen to his car and work talk, he listens to my family and friends talk. We plan projects together with minimal fuss and therein lies the beauty. If we disagree, life continues smoothly. We don't hurt each other in disagreeing and it's safe to hash out an issue. And we both fill our minds with mutual respect for each other so that our tone and body language will follow. Because you can't speak and act respectful when you're busy thinking the other person is a fool. Or incompetent. Or any number of negative things!
I love being married and in spite of the fact that it has been the hardest work I've ever done, the returns are tremendous! Worth every tear, prayer and growing pain.
Now weigh in an tell me what gems glow most brightly in your marriage!
Funny- I'm feeling strangely sympathetic:) and I guess every marriage has the rocky adjustment period. I too started with great expectations that most of the time I refused to share with my husband. And so I played the very theatrical role of the victim for a long time unaware that I had no one to blame for my state of being but myself. I knew I was feeling lonely, depressed, unfulfilled and the easiest thing for me to do was to look for the source/cure in the closest person to me. Oh how I would rage in my head- all day at work- thinking of all the things he should have done, but didn't. I look back now and its painfully clear- I started the day unhappy and I searched for a source and BAM there it was- it must be the husband. Took me a long time to realize that your spouse doesn't MAKE you happy (and its doom to expect that)- YOU make yourself happy and everything else will fall into place. And- big thing- I had to banish the "D" word instead of using it as a tool to elicit the response I was looking for (some sort of emotion, please!- "Does he even CARE?"). I guess you just have to learn how to fight. The key, I think, is that both need to be open to self reflection. Without that, well, it may work, but it won't be fun. I think its the opposite of loosing yourself or becoming a doormat. Its empowering yourself! No need to rely on someone else to make you happy- you have the power inside YOU! Anyway, good topic, one I often think over. ta ta
ReplyDeleteAwesome Post!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I have wondered how you dealt with Shane deciding he no longer wanted religion in his life. It doesn't matter the common religion or faith belief or lack thereof between a married couple, one stepping away from that seems like it would rock a marriage to its core.
ReplyDeleteWhen I married, I went in knowing I wanted something very different from what I watched growing up. And the struggle was I had no idea how to create that. Somehow I got lucky and married a man who had no idea homes like mine existed until he was well into his 20s. His perspective on how functional relationships thrive has helped me have the successful marriage I always wanted.
DH and I have very different interests (for the most part), personalities and temperaments. My family drives him crazy, towns bigger than about 10,000 people could all fall off the earth while he rejoiced, and living in the backwoods of nowhere would suit him perfectly. So we have made the compromise in our marriage that he doesn't have to do all my family and travelling events, I don't have to do all his hunting/camping events, but we're both free to do those things on our own or with our girls if we like. Looking from the outside onto this arrangement, I think my family isn't always sure how our marriage works.
The last time I saw my dad alive, he made a very telling statement (at least, I thought it was). Kenny had come with me to visit him and have some last family pictures taken (Kenny DESPISES sitting for photos, unless there's a dead animal in it. lol). The time we spent there was tough - it would take too many words to describe right now. As we were saying our goodbyes, my dad hugged me and said, "When the chips are down, Kenny is there for you, isn't he?" And he is. Always has been. I always know when the fat hits the fire, Kenny absolutely has my back. And vice versa.
I think Dad could finally see how it works for us. Wow...that turned into a book. Anyway, loved your insight into your marriage. :-)
I can't say much new on this topic -- since you hear what I think about it almost every day. :D
ReplyDeleteYou bared your heart, sister! This makes me love Shane so much -- and so happy that you found someone so right for you. Sometimes we thought that would NEVER happen. *wink wink*
As for me, I've had a few small epiphanies -- but still such a long way to go to really feel like our fighting isn't fighting but "working through" and that our disagreements don't bother each other. At this stage, there aren't a lot of big, fat looming problems... it's just a smear of chore after chore with the kids. So I guess the main problem is finding time to truly connect.
So here I go with my 9:00 bedtime!! :D
Melita,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your post. Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart.
I wonder if the pivotal point in a marriage is when we come to realize that we are responsible for our own actions, responses, happiness, etc, and that we can’t place the blame on anybody but ourselves if we are unhappy.
I really have been enjoying a couple books, one by Stephen Covey, “The 6 Habits of Highly Effective People”. He encourages people to take responsibility and be willing to work on themselves, in order to be successful. He and other authors also say that to be successful involves interconnections with other people.
I, too, spent many years blaming everything on my husband. You are lucky to have discovered so early that our husbands are not the problem. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can grow and have a closer relationship with them.
Another author said, “You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.” That is so true. When somebody acts in a way that upsets us, if we can accept responsibility for our own actions, not letting their bad behavior rub off on us, and try to turn the situation around into something positive, we can improve our relationship in amazing ways. We can take steps in faith, just believing that if we act on what we know… good things will follow.
One author said, “The secret to creating riches for oneself is to create them for others.” Well… that is true for happiness too. In making our mates happy, we increase the happiness to ourselves. It is well worth it to give a little, because we get way more in return.
Thanks again, Melita, for sharing your trials and successes. I know I like what I see when I go to your house now.
I love this post. I love seeing into your heart and marriage. I don't realize how lucky I am till my mom tells me what a great guy I have.. I can also get focused on what I want and need. I am amazed at how much MORE I love Danny now than I did when we got married. And every day I learn something new to love about him. Keep up the good work!
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