12 Years of Sheer Bliss

This month, we celebrated our 12th year of marriage.

A little B&B, an expensive restaurant and a movie.  We are so creative!

It's fun to think of the ways we are similar, and the ways we are different.

Like toast, for example.

We both like the french bread toasted with butter.

But!

Shane likes it sweet and fruity.

I like it with heavily salted avocado. 

According to the kids, here are some ways we are alike and different.

SAME:

L: You are both married.  Your fingers both turn white when you get angry.  

A: You're both adults.  You are both parents.  You are both humans. You both speak the same language. You both quiver when you are cold. You both go on errands.(I'm glad we both speak the same language.  Could be a real downer in a marriage not to.)

J: You both have the same color of eyes. You both have red lips.  You both spank us when you are annoyed.  You both like to sleep in. You both smooch when you are happy.(I guess we spank based on how we feel; not on how the kids behave...)

DIFFERENT:

J: You are loud and noisy and Papa is quiet.  And you don't look the same. I think Mom's huggier. You cook and Papa doesn't.  And you make strawberry shortcake and water the plants.  Papa's funnier than Mama.  Papa treats us calm, Mama treats us grouchy.  Papa has a goatee, you don't.(well, I guess there are points there for both of us)

A: The way you look.  Dad's hairy, Mom's not. (thanks, son) And mom has longer hair than Dad. Your voices are different.  How about your mind? Dad's smarter than you, Mom.(indeed)

L: For one thing, you are not a man and a man, and you are not a woman and a woman.  Papa does necessary work and you don't.  just kidding!  (hardee har har) 

Thin Hair

My husband was trying to describe to me the reasons he loves my hair.  He's apparently a big fan, and likes the way it looks.

"It's thin and flat.  That's what I like about it.  Oh, you don't like the word flat?  It's fine.  It's thin and fine.  It lays straight against your head."

Snape comes to mind.  At least he didn't say it was greasy.

I just try to remind myself that I probably give him "compliments" like this all the time.  And a lucky lady like me knows when compliments come from the heart.  Even if you've always wanted thick, wavy/curly hair that stands off the head.

Ten Years... already?

Hafta say...

Still feels like the honeymoon!

Here we are at 22 and 25 years old.  June of 2001 in Fiji.

Yes, it's true that I miss how exciting it was to hold hands, and how gazing into the eyes was something we could do for hours.  We talked on the phone with no trouble at all, and now it's a little harder.  But that said, there are some serious perks to having worked out a few things.

We don't fight nearly as much, and when we do, it's shorter and more mutually successful.  =)

We're learning what makes each other happy, instead of giving each other what we want for ourselves.

We've synchronized.  We think a lot alike.  But not quite enough alike to make it boring. =)

And while it's not quite as exciting to hold hands, being together is even more exciting, fulfilling and satisfying than ever before.

He looks even handsomer than he did in his early youth (now he's in his mid-youth).

Our skin is thicker, we don't jump to the wrong conclusion quite as often.

We laugh together, and it's fun.

So now we're 32 and 35 and we've got three growing kiddos that keep us challenged and accountable.  And I'm so happy to be right here, right now, today.

Hubby Angst

Yes, I know most of you are never frustrated with your husbands.  Of course not!  But just imagine for a moment that you were.  How would you handle it?

I'm thinking mostly about husband angst as it relates to having children.  And not everyone finds marriage difficult just because children entered the picture.  But I did.  And I wonder if we would have had the same struggles if we hadn't had children and instead had sleep.  It would be nice to think that the struggles we've been through have brought us to a better place that we couldn't have achieved without them.

Just looking around at the people I know, there are so many different types of chemistry in a marriage.  What works for one, may not work for another.  When relating to friends, sometimes the problem they are telling me about with their husband is what I do to mine.  Oops!  Helpful perspective, there.  We value things differently sometimes based on our gender, sometimes based more on personality.  Some things are easy for one person to tolerate, but another person feels hurt by the same thing.  Navigating can be tricky, sort of like walking on a balance beam with a blindfold and sharpened spikes on the floor.  The advice being shouted, sometimes by older sisters, can be confusing or useless and certainly doesn't help you focus on the goal.  Sometimes a person is aware they need tools and would love to hop on down to the marriage department and pick up a few useful things.  Then when you get there, you don't know which tools you need or how to use them.

Some people seem to have no trouble at all having a loving, respectful marriage where both people love to give to each other, and get their needs met all at the same time.  They seem not to feel the effects of sleepless nights, children, extended family issues, money worries and job demands.  And that should be encouraging, but it isn't, much.

And on a spiritual vein, you understand that God, in His wisdom made a man and a woman for each other. Why it is so hard, then, to figure it all out?  Why is something so natural so unnatural to navigate?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I haven't gotten it all figured out.  So I'm hoping this post will stir up a bunch of ideas.  Especially since every marriage is so different, hearing what different people do/did is bound to turn up a good idea or two.

I'll start with my "few grains" just to get the ball rolling!

Attitude.

Strength of purpose.

Attitude is pretty easy to explain, understand and a little more difficult to carry out.  I get SO MUCH out of my Dear One when my requests or "complaining time" is done with the right attitude.  My attitude is my physical manifestation of my thoughts.  So if I'm thinking "Dweeb!  It's obvious that I can't change two dirty diapers at once!  Offer to help, slacker!" and at the same time say "Darling, could you help me by changing so-and-so's diaper?" then my husband will flip out.  By the same token, I could instead think "Wow, kids sure keep me hopping!" and posit the same request to my husband.  He will respond even cheerfully when my thoughts are not angry.  It's like he can see my thoughts, even the tiny ones that harbor resentment.
I bought this idea, and tried to use it, but it took me a long time to train my mind and feelings to think more positively.  But when I did, my husband responded to me just like I had wished back when I was a fish-wife.  By me practicing this act, I found I was less frustrated with my husband, and he was much happier with me!

Strength of purpose.  I mean several things by this, so I'll explain.  Sometimes it's hard to separate ourselves from how we feel, especially when we feel exhausted, on the verge of tears or like a mean, ugly bear.  Or when we feel justifiably angry.  Strength of purpose is what I'm calling that ability to take a deep breath and do THE RIGHT THING when we feel like we have no reserves left to draw from.  In the face of an act or deed or careless oversight by our partner that upsets us, we continue to be what we should.  If we need to address a problem, addressing it with a right attitude.  If we need a break, making that clear in a way that doesn't blame our husband.  Strength of purpose is, to me, the "against all odds" kind of attitude that is required for the better things in life.

Papa with his first, Lucas

Strength of purpose came to light for me when I stopped making my husband responsible for my happiness.  Sometimes, he'd come home and tell me about his day, leaned back against the counter with a huge, cold coke in his hand while I got supper ready.  I'd fume inside, seethe, really.  Then a couple crying/fighting children would come around and he'd ask, "What's wrong with them?".  The water comes to a boil, I rush to the cabinet to get the next ingredient and the baby holding my skirt falls and bangs their head.  Papa just stands there while they cry, I get the ingredient I need, put it in the water and snatch up the crying child.  Papa sips his coke.  I'm about ready to smack him, or walk out and drive to a hotel, thoughts of an uninterrupted bubble bath flit through my head.  I'd think "Does he expect me never to snap, no matter how hard it is?"  I'd get mad that I was so "reliable".  Familiar thoughts of throwing things, desperate deeds and solitude flash past on my mental image reel.  Of course, hubby doesn't know any of this.  Doesn't realize how I'm feeling or the chaos that is up around my ankles.  (hush, Calysta!)  He comes home from a job (or school) providing for his family only to get an angry, blaming wife.  Of course he'd come rushing home to me!

Papa with his girl, Julia

I accepted that it wasn't fair of me to put my feelings on him.  If he needed to know, I could tell him nicely.  But most importantly, I decided that I was going to stop waiting for help and "do it myself".  I began to prepare supper early, so I didn't have to cook at suppertime.  I began to give myself one household chore per day to be done during naps, and after I was done, the rest of the down time was mine to relax in.  I began to go to bed earlier, even though I loved my "alone time" when the kids went to bed.  I dealt with a lot of resentment inside myself.  I resented doing it myself.  But today, I'm so much happier because of it, and my marriage is healthier because of it, too.  My expectations changed, and it gives me hope for the years to come.

Papa with his last, Aidan

These days, my frustration is at myself.  I have a lot of things I need to do better, or begin doing in the first place.  But now that is on me instead of on my husband and it helps to take away that frustration I used to feel towards him.  I can see areas to improve in my life, but I don't (often) make my marriage suffer for it.  Sometimes I slip back into the old ways but it usually doesn't happen for long.  I've seen the light, experienced a better way.  Who would go back to sawdust after steak?

Chicken Woes

I wanted to let you know that I REALLY loved your comments about marriage! It's so lovely and wonderful to hear about other women and their real feelings and experiences about such a serious/awesome/wonderful subject. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, especially because these things can be hard to share and yet are very helpful. It doesn't make us feel so alone, I suppose. =)

I felt that it helped me learn a little more about you, Kim. I barely know you, let alone your girls and husband. And it's wonderful to learn real and important things! And I admire that you and your husband can be different and be okay with that, respecting each other and your boundaries. And it's okay if other people don't quite understand because the important thing is that you both do. =) It encourages me to see you expressing that since you've been married much longer than I and have seen so much!

Kelly, you speak to my heart! I am glad I'm not the only chick to sit around wishing for things I didn't know were in my power to change and get!

June and Calysta, thanks for your support as always. It's nice to have sisters and mother's in law to grow with, all in our different stages and learning different things and helping each other.

Thanks for helping me learn; there's so much to discover!

And now for an update on our chickens. I've had a few worries with them lately. One chicken has been pecking a hole in the top of her eggs. This bugged me, I can't use a holey egg. We have mice lurking about the coop because of all the chicken feed around, and I worry about hantavirus. But the egg peck is interesting because she always pecks it right where the little air pocket is and so there's never been egg actually coming out. I "blew" a few eggs and put hot chilies in them along with pepper and chili powder. I placed it in the nesting boxes to discourage pecking of eggs. But the egg was gone the next day, and I haven't seen it since. I think someone ate it! Blast these New Mexican chickens that like hot red and green chilies!

Then, a week or two later, Lucas found a smashed egg in the nesting box. Egg all over the place! The next day, another smashed egg on the floor of the coop in the hay. This coincided with one chicken mysteriously getting out of the coop(I really mean the fenced yard around the coop) and no matter how closely we watched her, she managed to sneak out undetected. For days this went on, until Shane caught her in the act. Ta da! He tried to take a picture, but she'd already hopped down.

In spite of freshly-cut wing feathers on one side, she was flying up to the gate and hopping over to the other side. This was our Americauna, who is supposed to lay green eggs. However, she laid a brown egg on our front porch. BAH! Happily, the other Americauna appears to be laying the proper color, as we now have green eggs appearing.

And, although I've thought about solutions to my egg-smashing problem and gate-flying problem, I haven't done anything about them. And both things have not happened in a week, now. And two days ago I got SEVEN eggs! Then five, then four. Chickens are weird and who knows WHAT is going on in their pea brains. Something is going on in there, but I'm not sure what!

Also, our chickens only lay brown and green eggs. The white one in the picture is from the store for variety and comparison. =) I want to get two more chickens, maybe ones that lay white eggs. I'm just not sure, yet.

So if anyone has solutions about chickens, let me know. Otherwise, I think I might have to get rid of my pecking chicken to someone who wants a pet or meat.

Maybe donate her to Wildlife West.... ;)

The Beauty of Marriage

I've been thinking about marriage and thought I'd just lay out a few things I have come to value and my perspective based on my life experience of one. Me. =)

I used to have a view of marriage different from my current one, namely before I was married. Then I began to develop a working view of marriage in the first few years. Four years into marriage, circumstances dictated that I completely overhaul every last thought about marriage. And overall, our marriage has had a few significant tests. Today, I think we have an almost perfect marriage, but I have learned that what seems like the pinnacle can become just a little stop along the way to greater heights. So I look forward to much more growth and discovery in my marriage for as much time as we get!

When I got married, I didn't understand how it felt to be in a boy/girl relationship without passionate love. How can you? Once the love dies, you break up. So in a marriage, you get to figure out how to make it work once that first love experiences things like irritation, surprise, annoyance and even anger. And for me, the first assumption was that is was his fault. And any baggage you might have comes flooding to the fore: "I won't be like someone else!" or "I won't let you treat me like someone I didn't like!" or "I deserve x, y and z from you!" or "Since you disagree with my way, you are squashing my rights!". Things of this nature.

Side note: It is interesting to think how I would have explained all this while I was in that time frame. Obviously, I now disagree with my own self, so I'm presenting my views in the light of being wrong (which I believe they were!)

For a long time, things were at an impasse, because (lucky me!) I married a guy who is tough, stubborn and values his own opinion highly(like I do). The reason this is so great, is that he never reinforced my crappy behavior by giving me what I thought I wanted at the time. So he didn't enable or allow me to jog down life's road forming heart-breaking habits. And yet, I still hadn't grasped the ideas that were to change my life and so it was tough going for a while. In this phase, Shane started grad school.

Test one showed up in the birth of our first son. Start to finish, it was a severe, and I mean SEVERE lesson in the dangers of "expectations". And I fought it tooth and nail, claiming that we should always keep those expectations high to help each other be better people. But my husband could not come to terms with how donning a swim suit and joining me in the birthing tub was in any way helpful to his character. (I can't believe I actually harbored a serious expectation about that!) Right and left, every expectation I formed was dashed, destroyed and royally smashed. And again, no conception on my part of how badly I was setting both myself and my husband up for failure. He had an inkling, but couldn't put it into words and also at times wondered by the strength (and endurance) of my arguments if I was right. Angrily, we discussed having another child, as my teenage sister came to live with us for six months. Birth control seemed a pain, so we got pregnant again! (I'm kidding, a little) 17 months after our son, our first daughter arrived along with several other major changes. Shane changed his professor in grad school and the change turned out to be a huge stressor. One sister had moved out and another one came for three months. I had two babies and a LOT of extra weight, and Shane decided he no longer wanted religion in his life. This was quite an experience for me, full of many different feelings, thoughts, questions, etc. But it was the pivotal moment.

One of the most significant things about having different views about God inside a marriage is how to make a marriage work in spite of that. Especially if you've assumed you'd always have that in common. I began to wonder about my influence and what I was like to live with. Was I responsible? Even if I wasn't, had I been the partner I was supposed to be? I felt (for the first time in my life) that there might be things worth keeping from my spouse. Say a bad mood. Maybe irritation that is really about something else. Maybe the nagging could be put aside. Maybe I could do a lot less leaning with the negative attitude. Maybe I could even listen when he complained(quietly and seldom) about something I did or said. Honestly, I don't know how I got so lucky to even think of these things. I'm sure God was hoping the time was ripe, because I'd never allowed such selfless thoughts before. I'd resented being selfless. He should be selfless for me! I was too busy, too tired and too overwhelmed to think of Shane. His life looked pretty rosy to me back then: off to school, privacy, quiet, time to think a whole thought without interruption, dinner when he got home, and no need to get out of bed in the night, because Mom breastfeeds. Bottom line was I discovered a different perspective. To think and work toward the goal of being someone worthwhile, instead of getting what I wanted from someone else. Interestingly, when the focus shifts to doing our own part, we end up getting even more than we wanted.

We've had a few tests since that first epiphany, and I have to keep things fresh in my mind. I continually re-read my favorite book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. One pearl of note that I have to keep fresh is that I can change my feelings by changing my mind and thoughts. It's something I never used to think was possible, but it happens all the time! We look back and remember how strongly we felt about something only to notice that we no longer feel passionate about it. It's because we stopped thinking about it, and we stopped giving it such a huge place in our minds. Sometimes we moved on, sometimes we were forced to. Well, practice makes perfect and I have lots of opportunity to practice thinking different thoughts until my feelings eventually follow suit. And they do! That is powerful.

It's not about doormats. It's not about losing your identity to someone else dictating your life. It's more about taking charge of your own happiness. Being a positive, happy person. Treating others the way you want to be treated. And even more, treating others the way THEY want to be treated. Not letting everyone know every time you feel like a grouchy complainer or a martyr or a maid. Choosing how to think of it makes all the difference. If I had all my dreams come true, what would they be? To be a wife and mom and homeschool. Oh, wait! That IS what I'm doing! Then what's with the negativity!?

These days, my marriage blows me away. We have to force ourselves to shut up and go to bed. We miss each other while Shane's away at work. I listen to his car and work talk, he listens to my family and friends talk. We plan projects together with minimal fuss and therein lies the beauty. If we disagree, life continues smoothly. We don't hurt each other in disagreeing and it's safe to hash out an issue. And we both fill our minds with mutual respect for each other so that our tone and body language will follow. Because you can't speak and act respectful when you're busy thinking the other person is a fool. Or incompetent. Or any number of negative things!

I love being married and in spite of the fact that it has been the hardest work I've ever done, the returns are tremendous! Worth every tear, prayer and growing pain.

Now weigh in an tell me what gems glow most brightly in your marriage!